


The Loss of One

by i_amthecosmos, magdalyna



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Fix-it fic, M/M, Nearly Everyone is Gay, Oh god, Zayn is a roaring jerk, destiny and shit, gigi is gay, group relationship, louis and the baby, nearly 20000 words of fix-it, shameless fix-it, zayn leaves the group
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-21
Updated: 2016-12-21
Packaged: 2018-09-10 20:15:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 19,150
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8937604
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/i_amthecosmos/pseuds/i_amthecosmos, https://archiveofourown.org/users/magdalyna/pseuds/magdalyna
Summary: Zayn leaves the group, and Louis. Slowly, Louis gets him back.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Man. We are ot5. We are ot5 ride or die. Love you Magdalyna. I'm almost embarrassed by this id-fic.

 Zayn was bored.  And annoyed, and maybe a touch anxious, even though he’d deny it if anyone asked. But mostly bored.  
   
It had been a long photoshoot, and the boys were resting on some couches, Harry with his feet up on the white leather couch, and Zayn had to fight not to knock his dirty shoes off of the couch. Somebody had to clean that later. Zayn could feel his general irritation with the day rising, so he looked over at Louis. He patted his right jean pocket, and Louis smirked.  
   
“See you boys in a minute,” Louis said merrily, and Zayn snorted. It was beyond obvious what they were doing, but nobody cared. They were famous as fuck, getting high in an extra room was to be expected. Louis got one of their boys to watch the door of a nice looking side room and then they were alone.  
   
“Gimmie,” Louis said, making grabby hands as Zayn got the stuff out. Zayn tossed it to him-Louis was always good at making joints. He had good hands, that way. Zayn sat next to him, and Louis snuggled in closer. Weed always made Louis snuggly, Zayn figured, watching as Louis rolled a spliff for them.  
   
“I thought I was going to strangle that fucking photographer,” Zayn said when it was ready. The photographer had spent most of his attention on Harry, as if there weren’t five of them. He knew he should be used to it by now, but it still bothered him. Louis grinned and lit it up, taking a bit inhale before passing it over. “I don’t know how you stay calm.”  
   
“I don’t, I make nasty little asides at everyone, and they just laugh. If they get insulted, Harry smoothes it over. He’s amazing that way.” Zayn nodded, it was one way that Harry was good for something. Zayn took a big pull on the joint, and gave it back. He started to feel some of his anger dissipate with the smoke in his lungs.  
   
“Thank you,” Louis said, sounding pleased with himself, and took another drag. “So, what did you think of the photographer’s assistant? He’s cute, yeah?”  
   
Zayn shrugged. “Eh, he’s okay. I don’t look at men as much as you do, you know that.” Outside of his own group, Zayn didn’t really notice other men at all. And even then, the only one he’d done much of anything with was in the room with him. He took the joint and hit it while Louis made a scoffing noise.  
   
“I don’t see how you couldn’t, but okay. I’ll play along.” Zayn giggled at that, and they laughed for a few minutes. Weed was great for helping you see the brighter side of things. “You were about to explode, weren’t you?” Louis said.  
   
“You know me too well,” Zayn said, passing it back. “I don’t understand how Harry can act like that, putting his feet up on everything. He’s not thinking, and he usually thinks of all of these things. Yeah, I wanna say something to him.”  
   
“Don’t,” Louis said, and he cuddled Zayn in, nuzzling his neck. “He’ll be sad for the rest of the day and you’ll be even more annoyed when he pouts at you. I’ll tell Liam to try to get Harry to not mess up the furniture, okay?”  
   
“Yeah.” Liam was reasonable and everyone listened to him. That was the way it went in the group. He was also Zayn’s best friend in the group, so that was a thing as well. And also-“Are the three of them still doing whatever the fuck it is they’re  doing?”  
   
“Do you mean having a happy three-way relationship? Yeah, don’t think that’s going to end anytime soon mate.” Louis was very close, and smelled like too much cologne and weed and something else, something musky and soft. “Don’t worry about it, they’re happy and it keeps them out of trouble for the most part.”  
   
“I don’t understand it,” Zayn said. “Every time I ask Liam about it he gets starry eyed and starts talking about destiny.” Zayn wasn’t sure he believed in that kind of destiny. But he loved Liam, loved Niall, and tolerated the other two. Well, he more than tolerated Louis, but mostly because he was so much fun to get high with.  
   
“Maybe you need more faith, Zaynie,” Louis said, and Zayn knew the weed was working, since he didn’t want to smack Louis for that nickname. Louis was still snuggled with him, and slowly moving his hands down his chest through his t-shirt.  
   
“I have faith in Allah, that’s enough.” Louis made a chiding noise and kissed his chin, which made Zayn giggle. “You’re ridiculous,” he said, and Louis giggled himself.  
   
“And yet, you still only want to get high with me.” Zayn didn’t argue that point. Liam really didn’t get stoned much, so Zayn was stuck with him. And now,Louis was rucking up his shirt and kissing his belly. “You want this? Or are you scared to do anything with the photographers still milling about?”  
   
“I don’t give a fuck,” Zayn said. Louis grinned up at him, all feral and sharp teeth, and unzipped the tight jeans Zayn was wearing. “What about you?”  
   
“Oh,” Louis said, smiling as Zayn’s cock popped free. “We won’t be long, they won’t suspect.” Zayn watched as Louis licked his hand, then gripped his cock. Zayn thrust, impatient, and Louis made a shushing noise as he starting moving his hand.  
   
Zayn went boneless, leaning against the couch as Louis moved with him, shifting so he still had a good grip. “Just relax,” Louis whispered, and Zayn didn’t bother to tell him that he was relaxed, already. He just shut up and let Louis stroke him off, until he was biting his lip and coming.  
   
“There you go,” Louis said, looking far too smug. Zayn watched with heavy-lidded eyes as Louis got a wet wipe out of the pocked of his jeans, opened it, and cleaned them up. “Feel better?”  
   
“Yeah,” Zayn said when he could make words. He reached a hand out. “Come here, let me do you.”  
   
But Louis just shook his head, his eyes twinkling. “No need, Zayn. I’m just fine. You don’t have to do it back.”  
   
It sounded nice, Zayn supposed. But instead of taking it that way he narrowed his eyes. Because if there was one thing he hated, it was owing somebody. And far as he was concerned, he did not want to owe Louis a handjob. That fucker was smug enough as it was.  
   
So he moved up quickly, nuzzling at Louis’s neck as he slipped a hand down. He looked up into Louis’s smirking face when he felt it-Louis was maybe half hard, if that. Almost not that. “See, told you. I don’t need anything, I can go either way. You don’t have to worry about me this time Zee.”  
   
“All right.” Zayn slid his hand out of Louis’s jeans. “I’m sorry. I was pushing.” He’d let it go this time. “Think we need to get back?” He stood up, trying to put his clothes back in place.  
   
“Might as well,” Louis said, still looking far too pleased with himself. Zayn would have to punish him for it later-play a trick on him or something. Pranking was a language they both spoke. Zayn watched as Louis stood up, stretched, and then came in for a cuddle, leaving a trail of kisses on his jaw. “Okay, let’s go.”  
   
“Right.” Zayn followed him out. Weed really did make Louis affectionate. He didn’t mind, not too much.  
   
…  
   
It was nearly his birthday, and Zayn was holed up in a hotel again. Louis was in there with him, and they were looking around on Zayn’s laptop. “Look,” Louis said suddenly. “Pit bull rescue.” Zayn looked over, putting the pipe down, and looked at a page Louis had found.  
   
“Huh,” he said, and he clicked through the pages of rescued adorable dogs. “This is great,” he said. “I need to save this, I’m donating to them soon.” He hoped he didn’t forget-weed was a bummer for memory sometimes.  
   
“Yeah, that’ll be great.” Zayn caught Louis nodding a little too enthusiastically, but he didn’t comment on it. He just took the pipe and inhaled another lungful of smoke. Soon they started watching movies again, and Zayn forgot about it.  
   
…  
   
“Hey.”  
   
“Yeah?” Zayn was in his underwear, with his pipe, and lying in the hotel room bed. Louis had just let himself in, and he looked fit to burst. “What’s going on? You flush Liam’s new boots down the toilet?”  
   
“No, no. I just got you a little present for your birthday, Zayn.” Zayn blinked-it was his birthday, as of thirty minutes ago. “Let me show you.” Louis produced his phone from a pocket, and showed him a page. “Remember the pit bulls?”  
   
“Oh. Yeah.” Zayn did remember, now. He looked at the site. “Wait…is that big anonymous donation yours?” Louis looked like he would explode from pride. “Wow, thank you.”  
   
“Yeah, didn’t want our names all over it, you know? I knew you’d like it better if they weren’t. And I wanted to save a lot of nice dogs in your memory. I know you’d adopt them if you could.”  
   
“Wow,” Zayn said slowly. “That’s great. Yeah, that’s a great gift, thank you.”  He looked up at Louis’s beaming face again, and he saw…it. He saw something that scared the living shit out of him. Love.  
   
This bastard was in love with him.  
   
Zayn got a smoke off the bedside table and lit it, covering half his face to hide his expression. How long had this been going on? It put all the sloppy handjobs that he’d never thought about in a different light, that was for sure. “I’m really happy with the gift, Lou,” Zayn said when the silence had stretched too long. “Thank you.”  
   
“Sure, anything for you,” Louis said, and Zayn almost cringed right there. “It’s not like you need any more black leather jackets, right?”  Louis came closer, and Zayn wanted to flinch away when he sat on the bed.  “It seemed more like you, anyway.” The fondness was evident in Lou’s voice, and Zayn felt helpless and terrified. And trapped.  
   
“Hey, um,” Zayn said, trying to keep his voice steady. “I feel like I need to be alone for a little bit. I’ll see you later, eh?” Louis immediately got off the bed and stood over him. “I’m not sick, I just-“  
   
“I know, of course,” Louis said, grinning fond down at him. “I’ll see you later, we’ll get high before we go to your party tomorrow, eh?” Zayn nodded woodenly, then watched as Louis headed out the door. He got the pipe again, packing more weed in it. He was going to have to get really stoned for this.  
   
An hour later, he texted Liam. **Help me**.  
   
He got an immediate text back. **What’s wrong?**  
   
**Louis is in love with me, that’s what** He watched with simmering fury as his phone lit up with happy emojis. **Fuck you Liam, this isn’t funny. Now I have to let him down**.  
   
**Hang on, I’m calling** , Liam sent back. Zayn waited, and got a ring. “Yeah?”  
   
“Why do you have to turn him down?” Liam said. “And you’re the last person to figure this out, by the way.” Zayn sighed-of course Liam would take Louis’s side. “He only wants you to love him back, is that so hard?”  
   
“Yes it fucking is,” Zayn said. “I can’t love him the way he wants, he’s fun to have a laugh with but I can’t. And I can’t be in love with some white boy.” Zayn wasn’t even sure he could love a boy, much less one that wasn’t Desi. He had standards.  
   
Liam was silent for a minute. “Well, if you’re not in love with him, there’s not much to be done,” he said slowly. “But you don’t have to be like that about it. I don’t say much because I figured you had your reasons, but I’ll remind you that your mother is white.” Zayn wanted to say that he _knew_ that, and that his mum was an exception, but Liam kept going. “If you’re going to break his heart, do it soon and get it over with. He doesn’t deserve to be strung along. Any more than you’ve already done.”  
   
“I didn’t know, I wasn’t stringing him along,” Zayn said but he could almost see the doe eyes Liam was no doubt giving him. “I don’t want to hurt him more than I need to. He just needs to get over me, move on. I’m no good for him. I think you can probably agree with me on that.”  
   
“If you think so,” Liam said, but there was a edge to it that Liam rarely got with him. “I don’t see why you can’t just try. But maybe you’re right, you’re not good enough for him. Go and make it quick.” Liam disconnected the call.  
   
Zayn took another few minutes to get ready before heading to find Lou. He’d texted him and knew that he was in his room. He could feel the anxiety ramping up as he swiped the key card. Maybe he shouldn’t be doing this.  
   
No. He had to. He had to make a clean break.  
   
He walked into Lou’s room. “Hey.”  
   
Louis sat up. He was in his bed, wearing nothing but pants, and looked cuddly and soft. “Hey yourself,” Louis said, smiling at him, a sweet soft one he seemed to only use on him and the other lads. “Did you bring the stuff, or is this another kind of visit?”  
   
“Um, another kind.” Zayn squirmed a little. He couldn’t look Louis in the eye. Why not?  
   
“Well, come over here, we can watch Netflix-“  
   
“No,” Zayn said, too loud, and Louis stared at him. “I can’t, Louis.”  
   
“You can’t sit by me?” Zayn shook his head. You can’t what?”  
   
“I realized today. I saw it, in how you looked at me when you told me about the dogs. You’re in love with me, aren’t you? I just-I can’t. I can’t love you back like that. So, I had to tell you so you can get over it and move on. I’m sorry.”  
   
Zayn looked up, back to Louis’s face, and watched him as most of the color drained out of his face and a blank, sad look took its place. “Lou-“ He said, still wanting him to be okay.  
   
“Get out,” Louis rasped, and Zayn turned and left.  
   
…  
   
Zayn’s  birthday party that year was kind of horrible. Louis obviously wasn’t there, and the other lads had taken his side, huddling around him. So Zayn went alone and got spectacularly drunk. He wondered if Louis was in the same state, then reminded himself that it didn’t matter. He didn’t have to worry about Louis anymore.  
   
The next few days and weeks were painful. Louis did his job like a champ, and would act like he always did with Zayn, talking to interviewers and others like nothing was wrong. The second it was over, he would clam up, go stiff, and leave the room. Harry would usually follow him out.  
   
Yeah, the whole thing had kind of ruined the vibe with the others as well. Harry had simply stopped talking to him. Zayn would have been more upset if he wasn’t already pretty much sick of Harry. Liam would still talk to him, but he also tried using the puppy eyes on him every chance he got. And Niall was visibly bowing under the strain of trying to treat Zayn just like he always did.  
   
_Fine_ , Zayn thought. He didn’t need them anyway. He would be fine without them. At least, he thought that until he found himself alone in his hotel room a couple of weeks after his birthday, shaking from anxiety. With no one to roll him a joint and crack jokes in his ear, the attack was twice as bad as his previous ones.  He smoked enough weed to nearly stupefy him, and fell asleep  curled on the bed, his clothes still on.  
   
Soon after that, he started inviting friends and family members on tour, in an attempt to ground himself. Which is how he found himself talking with Jaavad, stoned, about what had happened.  
   
“Do you think it’s unfair, them not talking to you?” Jaavad didn’t seem shocked by what was going on, but Zayn could see the worry on his face.  
   
“Only Harry isn’t talking to me,” Zayn said. “And Louis, but I expected that. I just didn’t think it would keep happening. I thought he’d be over it. And I don’t care if Harry ever speaks to me again. None of my songs ever get on the records, but his always do.”  
   
“Are you sure that’s his doing?” Jaavad didn’t take the pipe when Zayn passed it. “From what you’ve told me there’s been a lot of interference from the record company. So, maybe not blame him for something that could be out of his control.”  
   
“The suits do like the alternative influenced sound a lot better,” Zayn conceded. “I don’t know. Liam’s still my mate, but I messed things up. I think those three have drafted Louis into their group relationship, by the way. I haven’t asked.” He wasn’t jealous, no reason he should be. Louis would be better off with them, he was sure.  
   
“Probably best if you don’t. It sounds like you miss him. Can’t you fix this?” Jaavad looked at him, and Zayn shook his head. “Why not?”  
   
“I can’t love him the way he wants me to,” Zayn said. “And I’m bloody sick of being blamed for it. I was trying to give him an out, but everyone blames me.”  Jaavad looked like he was trying to be patient, and Zayn looked away. “I want to leave.”  
   
“Leave the group?” Zayn nodded. “Why?”  
   
“I’ve been talking to producers,” Zayn said. “I want to make my own music. I’ve got a backlog of songs that our managers didn’t want to touch. And now that nobody’s wanting to deal with me, I’m out of reasons to stay.’  
   
“I think you could still stay, but it’s hard, yeah.” Jaavad looked at him. “You look tired. Worn out. Maybe it’s time for you to go.”  
   
“Then let’s go,” Zayn stood up and grabbed his things, stuffing them back in his suitcase. Jaavad watched him, wary, and then started putting his stuff back in his duffle bag. When Zayn was packed, he sent a text to Paul. **Leaving the group. Thanks for the good times.**  
   
When Zayn hit the lobby, Paul and a few others were waiting for him. Zayn kept his cool when it looked like Paul was going to hit him, and then he and Jaavad moved around Paul and the bodyguards. “Shouldn’t you tell the lads? You’d been in a group with them this long.”  
   
“Alright.” Zayn got out his phone and sent another text. **Leaving the tour, possibly the group. Tell Louis I’m sorry**.  
   
Jaavad looked like he wanted to facepalm, but he said nothing and they took the nearest taxi to the airport. While they were on their way Zayn’s phone buzzed with a text from Harry. He opened it to see a black and white photo of a fancy glass dish that had been in all of their rooms. This one was on the floor, broken into three pieces. Zayn saw a picture of Louis’s Vans in the corner, and knew whose room it was.  
   
He turned his phone off and watched as the city went by.  
   
…  
   
When he got back home, he put things into order soon as he could. He got out of his contract with Modest in record time, and signed a new one. He buried himself in writing and planning for the record. He just kept working, not wanting to stop and think. He made some mistakes-Naughty Boy being the biggest-but he kept at it. Finally, he was doing something for himself.  
   
He didn’t keep in touch with the other lads. Most of them didn’t want to hear from him anyway. It didn’t matter. He missed Liam the most, he thought.  
   
Getting a new record contract meant some of the same old shit. He was asked to start a media relationship with a young model, and he rolled his eyes. But Gigi turned out to be a fun girl who told him hilarious stories about going down on her girlfriend, so he didn’t mind. He was glad to have a friend.  
   
Then in late summer, when he was working on the album, the gossip press suddenly went wild with rumors that Louis had knocked up a girl in LA, that he was doing to be a father. Zayn sent a text to Liam, typing **Is it true?**  
   
He got a bunch of angry emojis as an answer, and sighed as he sent Liam directions to call him. “So, is it?”  
   
“Yeah,” Liam said, sounding exasperated. “I don’t understand-he hadn’t had sex with a woman in a year and a half, and she managed to talk him out of using a condom. I don’t know if she planned this, but it’s a mess.” Liam sounded like he was about to wind himself up, so Zayn interrupted.  
   
“Does he need help? I could talk to him, if he wants to. Give him the name of my law firm.” Zayn didn’t know how much he could do for Louis, but he felt responsible. Somehow, this was his fault. “Do you think he’d talk to me?”  
   
“Honestly, I don’t know. You can try I suppose. It’s good to know that you want to.” Zayn didn’t comment on that. “We tried to help him, you know,” Liam said. “But I think you were it for him.”  
“I wish that wasn’t true,” Zayn said. “But thanks. Can I get his number?”  
   
Five minutes later, Zayn was sitting there with his phone in one hand and his pipe in the other, about to call Louis. He decided on a call, not a text. Might as well make it as hard as possible. When his nerves were soothed, he called.  “Hey,” he said. “Don’t hang up.”  
   
“Liam, did you lose your phone again-“ then Zayn listened as Louis went still. “Oh no,” Louis said a minute later, his voice bitter and deadly sarcastic. “What have you ever done that would make me hang up on you?”  
   
“Liam told me,” Zayn said, ignoring that. “I wanted to know if I could help.” Louis made a scoffing noise, but Zayn pressed on. “Can I come see you? I’ve got a couple of days off, I could come to LA. If not, I can just give you my lawyer’s number now.”  
   
There was another long silence on the phone. “If you want to come, I suppose you can,” Louis said after a bit. “Yeah, bring the info. You know where my house is? I’ll be home when you come.”  
   
“Okay,” Zayn said. “I’ll text you when I get my flight. I’m so sorry, Lou.”  
   
“Shut up,” Louis said, and hung up.  
   
…  
   
Zayn planned an extra day to go to LA, and texted Louis the details. When he got in town, he texted Louis again, who told him to take a cab to the address. When he got there an hour later, Louis was waiting for him.  
   
Zayn figured Louis might look bad, but it was worse than he thought. Louis looked pale and dirty, and his eyes stared blankly ahead. “Malik,” he said, voice toneless, and then turned away. Zayn let himself in.  “What brings you here after nothing but you roasting me on Twitter?”  
   
“You know why I’m here,” Zayn said, closing the door behind him. “I’m here because of the baby. I’m here to help. Do you really think it’s yours?”  
   
Louis turned, looking at Zayn from over his shoulder. After a minute he nodded, a quick movement of his head. “I think it might be. She won’t take a paternity test, and I can’t force her until she has the baby. So now she’s got me where she wants me.”  
   
“What does she want?”  Louis faced him then, his hands held in fists, tight against his body.  
   
“She wants money. And she wants me. She wants a long-term relationship, which is a laugh, after what we’ve said to each other since this started.” Zayn nodded. He might have reacted badly too, if it were him. “It doesn’t matter what I offer her, she just wants more.”  
   
“What’s your legal team doing about it?” Louis shrugged, and Zayn thought about going over there and slapping him. He’d never seen Louis this defeated, and he needed to fight. This was a child, goddammit.  
   
“They try to help, but mostly they blame me for being stupid. I just-I don’t know what to do. I’m thinking of giving up. Giving her whatever she wants money-wise. I don’t know.”  
   
“You can’t do that.” Zayn started towards Louis, as if he was going to go through with the slapping idea. “You can, that’s a baby, you can’t just disappear on it.”  
   
“You don’t get to tell me what to do!” Louis stepped in closer, right up against Zayn’s face. “You don’t even care about me, you made that clear! I can’t do anything!”  
   
“Yes you can! You can do a hell of a lot more! Is this what you want, then? You wanna be like Troy?” Zayn yelled it as loud as he could. He saw Lou’s eyes flash, and then he was down on the floor, hand on his smarting jaw.  
   
“Fuck you,” Louis said, standing over him. “You always thought you were better than me, with your happy family. You can fuck off.” Louis looked like he wanted to kick Zayn while he could, but instead he moved deliberately to the other side of the room.  
   
“I never thought that,” Zayn said, slowly getting up. He rubbed his jaw again. “But I saw how you grew up, hating that fucking bastard every day of your life, trying to prove you were better than him. And you are, now. But if you act like him here, then he wins. You can’t let that happen, your child is gonna need you.”  
   
“Don’t know about that,” Louis said, arms folded in front of him. “I don’t feel like I’ve got much to give.”  
   
“I know that’s not true,” Zayn said. “You’ve always had tons to give. Do you want the name of my lawyers? They have someone on their staff who handles this kind of thing. They’re good, got me out of my Modest contract in record time.’  
   
Louis scowled at that, but he took the folded up card that Zayn gave him. “Don’t lose that,” Zayn said, and Louis raised an eyebrow, then put the card in his wallet. “There.” That was what Zayn had come here to do. He could leave now, if he wanted. He hadn’t promised anything else.  
   
Instead he sat down on the couch nearest Louis. “I guess we should talk,” he said. When Louis didn’t move, he patted the cushion next to him.  
   
Louis moved like a wary cat, slowly folding and sitting next to Zayn. They were silent for a minute, while Zayn tried to figure out what to say. “I’m sorry,” he started, and Louis scoffed. “I never meant to hurt you like this. I thought it would be over and we’d go back to being mates. I’m not sorry for leaving the band. It was probably overdue.”  
   
“You stupid blinkered git. Are you really going to sit next to me and tell me you thought I would get over you? After everything we’ve been through, the way the five of us came together, and you think it’s nothing?!” Zayn saw the blow coming this time and tried to move, but he was too slow. Louis shoved him down and straddled his hips.  
   
“Stop hitting me,” Zayn said as Louis loomed over him. “I had to, I can’t love you the way you want me to. I don’t understand why you can’t see that.”  
   
“I can’t understand why YOU can’t see how we all are!” Louis put an arm over Zayn’s neck, but didn’t push down. Zayn felt like knocking him off, but didn’t. “We’re meant to be together, the five of us, but no, you run off and go it alone.”  
   
“I’m only going to hurt you. I don’t even know why you want to try.” Zayn felt a pang in his heart, looking up at Louis. He was always so lovely from this angle. “I’ll make a mess of it, you know I will. You can’t trust me with that.”  
   
“Yeah you will make a mess of it, by being thick and stubborn I suppose.” Louis moved his arm off Zayn’s neck, and then leaned down, brushing a kiss on his sore cheek. “But Zayn, my sweet boy-child, I do encourage you to try.”  
   
Zayn closed his eyes, feeling Louis nuzzle his cheek. Inwardly, he waved a white flag. He didn’t even know why he kept trying to resist. “You can’t hit me ever again,” he found himself saying. “Like, if we’re going to do this, there have to be ground rules. No more punches, okay? I’ll let you have those two, since I kind of deserved them.”  
   
“Okay,” Louis said, and Zayn opened his eyes to Louis smiling at him. “How long can you stay? I don’t know how long you planned for.”  
   
“I go back late tomorrow,” Zayn said. “I was going to see some producers if you kicked me out. I’m not re-joining the group, by the way. I don’t think I could now even if I wanted to.” He still didn’t really want to. He still didn’t even want to see Harry, even though he was sure now that Harry had meant him no harm.  “What do you want? In the rules.”  
   
“Rules,” Louis said, leaning down and kissing Zayn on the mouth. “We should see each other as much as we can. I’ll be on hiatus soon, so it’ll be easier for me. Let’s Face Time as much as we can, even if you’re in the studio, let’s at least keep it open. I don’t care if you’re in the other room, I just need my Zayn close by.”  
   
“Okay.” Zayn’s sense of privacy chafed at the rule just a bit, but he was sure he could beg off if it was really bothering him. He put a hand up, cupping Louis’s cheek. “I missed you,” he said, suddenly feeling the months of time apart. “I really missed you.”  
   
“Good,” Louis said. “Maybe I mean something to you after all.” Zayn felt guilt at that. “I hope you won’t stay so long next time. Um, what do we do about…others?” It took a minute for Zayn to understand him.  
   
“You mean like the other lads?” Louis nodded. “Has Harry been taking care of you while you two were in LA?” Louis nodded again. “Okay. For the lads, if you’re with them, you don’t have to tell me. You don’t have to ask ahead of time, you don’t even have to tell me what you’ve been doing. If you’re seeing anyone else , let me know. If you’re going out with your beard, give me a text so I know what’s going on. And I’ll do the same. Does that cover it?”  
   
“I’m not fucking my beard,” Louis said. “And I’m not with anyone else right now. But I’ll do what you say. It sounds reasonable.”  
   
“Okay. I’m not fucking my beard either.” Gigi had made that clear. “We’re just friends.”  
   
“Glad you get along with her,” Louis said as he pressed himself flush against Zayn’s body, nuzzling and kissing his face and neck. Zayn put a hand on Louis’s back, staring at the ceiling. He wasn’t sure if this was a good idea, but he’d missed his partner-in-crime so much. He rubbed a circle on Lou’s back and was rewarded with a nip of sharp teeth over his neck.  
   
Zayn closed his eyes and let himself drift. He’d honestly hadn’t planned on getting together with Louis, he’d only meant to try to mend fences. But here he was, and he couldn’t really feel bad about it. He still didn’t think they could make it work.  
   
“I can hear you thinking hard, you bastard,” Louis said. “You’ll worry yourself right out of this, won’t you?”  
   
“I told you I would,” Zayn said, and he bucked up a bit, just to feel Louis against him. Louis squeaked and kissed him hard. “Hey, want to take this to your room?” Zayn was a little nervous just bringing it up. Him and Louis had never done anything other than handjobs.  
   
But Louis just hopped up, took Zayn’s hand, and guided him to the bedroom. Zayn toed off his trainers and pulled his shirt off, leaving it on the floor. Louis did the same and then he pulled the covers down and got in. Zayn snuggled in next to him, and they kissed.  
   
“How’ve you been since you left?” Louis asked between soft kisses. Zayn blinked and tried to focus. “Keep seeing you in the press, changin’ your hair up and all.”  
   
“It’s been okay,” Zayn said. “Mostly it’s been great. Having a lot of anxiety. But at least I get to use my own music. It means a lot.” Louis smiled gently and kissed him. “I suppose it was the right time to go,” Zayn continued. “Even though I went about it all wrong.”  
   
“Maybe so. And at least you admit you went about it wrong.” Louis kissed him again, and Zayn felt Louis’s cock pressed up against his thigh. “Oh. Um, sorry.”  
   
“Don’t be,” Zayn said, and he leaned up to capture Louis’s mouth again. “I said yes, didn’t I? I know I haven’t done much, but just let me know what you want to do, and I’ll learn. Unless it’s something I really don’t want to do. I’ll let you if we hit anything like that.”  
   
“You’re being very agreeable,” Louis said, and he moved back, sitting on his haunches. “I’m not sure if I trust that. Why did you fold so easily?” Zayn reached out, but Louis was just out of reach.  
   
“I missed you, is all. I know I made it all about helping you with your legal stuff-and I expect you to call my lawyer-but I missed you. I wasn’t the same without you. Us being together, I still don’t know how that would work, but I’m here.” Zayn wasn’t sure he could explain it. “I know you have good reason to never trust me again. I don’t know what else to tell you.”  
   
“I guess that’s the best explanation I’m going to get, then.” Louis moved so he was curled up against Zayn again. “I don’t have to tell you I missed you. I guess I’m happy to have you back, even if you probably won’t love me the same way.”  
   
Zayn didn’t have a reassuring answer for that, so he stayed quiet. “Yeah, that’s what I thought,” Louis said. Zayn looked over at him and Louis made a silly face. “Don’t worry. I can live with it, if you’ll at least try. Say you’re trying.”  
   
“I am trying.” Zayn wasn’t good at things like this. Louis knew it too, but he didn’t push the matter. He just smiled softly, and Zayn came in for a small kiss. “I don’t know what I can promise you right now. That’s why I wanted to make sure we had ground rules.”  
   
“Just to keep us on track? Yeah, makes sense.” Louis turned on his back. “Come here. Get on top.”  
   
Zayn did as Louis said, straddling Louis. Louis looked thin in the face, and Zayn frowned. “Have you been okay?” He didn’t know how to ask if Louis had been doing coke again.  
   
“I’d been getting better,” Louis said, looking up at him. “Then I got the news that I was going to be a dad. I was hoping to wait a few more years, to be honest.”  Zayn bit his lip as he moved slowly against Louis’s body.  
   
“Yeah.” Zayn kissed Louis’s neck. “I’m glad for you though. Having a baby could be amazing.” Louis nodded, and Zayn bit over Louis’s neck, over the vein there. Louis jerked between them, and then ground back up slowly.  
   
They moved like that for a while, grinding against each other. Zayn kind of wanted to take his pants off, but he didn’t want to stop for anything silly like that. He just nuzzled Lou’s neck as he made soft needy noises.  Zayn pulled back enough so he could watch Louis’s face. It was slack and beautiful. “Gonna come for me, babe?”  
   
“Stop trying to rush me,” Louis bit out, and Zayn laughed. “And stop laughing at m-shit,” Louis said, and he went still.  
   
“Lou?” Louis didn’t look at him. “Did you get off from me laughing?” That started him off again, because that was fucking hilarious. Louis just glared at him like a wet cat. “That’s-I don’t even know what that is. That’s brilliant.”  
   
“Shut up, twat. I just-it’s been a while since I heard it, I suppose. Now I’ve come in me pants.” Louis shoved at him and Zayn rolled off of Louis, still giggling. Louis headed for the bathroom, still grumbling.  
   
Zayn took off the rest of his kit while Louis was in there, and when Louis came back he found Zayn stroking his cock idly. “Fuck, that’s a pretty sight,” Louis said.  
   
“You gonna come here and help me, or just watch?” Louis smiled at him, the soft private one he used to give Zayn. Then he jumped on the bed and crawled over for a kiss. Zayn opened too it, and moaned when Louis wrapped a hand around his cock.  
   
It wasn’t much different than before. Louis got Zayn off quickly, making Zayn squirm against the bed. Then he wiped his hand on the sheets and snuggled for a kiss. “Next time I’ll go down on you,” Louis whispered against his mouth.  
   
“Okay,” Zayn said. “And I’ll do the same.” He was still slightly anxious about expanding his knowledge of sex with guys, but what the fuck. He had promised Louis he would try. “Want to sleep?” He was a bit tired after the flight and the stress from seeing Louis again.  
   
“Nope,” Louis said, and then yawned in Zayn’s face. “If I fall asleep, I might wake up and you’ll be gone. I don’t want you to go again, Zayners. I just want to keep you, even though you don’t love me.”  
   
“Hey,” Zayn said. “I told you I’d try. I’d be with you, I’m here ‘cause I want to be, okay? So don’t worry about that so much.” Zayn didn’t know how much he could love Louis, but he didn’t think it was a lost cause. “Let’s just rest then, okay? You can put the telly on if you want.”  
   
“Okay. Might be a match on or something.” Louis moved to find the remote, and Zayn watched him. He looked better than he did when Zayn came in an hour ago. Maybe everything would be fine.  
   
By the time Louis found a match, Zayn was drifting into sleep.  
   
…  
   
When Zayn went back to England, he did as Louis asked and kept in close touch, putting Louis on Face Time for hours sometimes. He was pretty sure that Louis would like to watch him sleep, but he never brought that up.  
   
Fixing things with Louis also opened the doors of communication with the others. Especially with Liam, who he missed more than he’d wanted to admit. He started texting Niall on a regular basis again. He even had an awkward ten minute text conversation with Harry, where he apologized for blaming his anger at the label on him. Harry responded with a lot of Van Morrison lyric quotes. See, awkward.  
   
“I’m glad you talked to Harry anyway,” Louis said that night in Face Time. “He’s missed you, although he was too stubborn to say so. You two are so much more alike than you let on.”  
   
“He’s a posh, pretentious knob who acts like a hipster to cover up that he’s actually a giant dork,” Zayn answered, and Louis almost fell off the bed. “What?”  
   
“And you’re a working-class boy with anxiety who acts like a tough guy to cover that up. See, not so different.” Louis beamed at him, and Zayn decided not to shut the computer off after all.  
   
“Maybe, Tommo. Maybe.”  Louis giggled some more, and Zayn shook his head, smiling. “I miss you. When can I see you next?”  Louis sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “What’s wrong? Are you having trouble with her again?”  
   
“Maybe. We had a fight. I can’t just take off right now, she’ll use it against me. Could you come see me?”  
   
“Maybe. I have some studio time but maybe I can fly just to see you for a day. Would that be okay?”  
   
“I’d love it if you did. Just so you know, Harry might be around.” Zayn nodded. He was sure he could handle that now. “Let me know when your flight gets in.” Then they talked about other things and Zayn signed off when he couldn’t stay awake any longer.  
   
…  
   
When Zayn showed up late at Louis’s place, he let himself in with the key code that Louis had gave him. He had bought some candy at the airport, which was silly. It wasn’t like the two of them were just getting to know each other. “Hey, I’m here,” he said, and he didn’t hear anything.  
   
Frowning, he sent Louis a text. **Downstairs, were are u?**  
   
**In the bedroom, come on up** , was the reply Louis sent a second later, so Zayn pulled his shirt off and left it on the couch as he went upstairs.  
   
“Hey-“ he said, and then stopped. Louis wasn’t alone in the bed. Instead, there was a long, lanky Harry on his back, playing with his phone while Louis fingered him open. “What?” Louis looked up, startled. Harry barely cocked an eyebrow his way. “You didn’t tell me you’d have Harry over when I got here.”  
   
Louis looked a bit sheepish. “I’m sorry. I told you he’d be around. I guess I wasn’t clear.” Louis started to pull his fingers out, but Harry just glared at him. “Is it really a problem?”  
   
“Kind of,” Zayn said. He was feeling short, not angry exactly, but impatient. “I wanted to be alone with you, and I was expecting that. I’m not angry, but I wasn’t planning to share, is all.” Privately, he was glad that he was talking it out, like a big boy, and not storming out the door.  Little steps, he supposed. “And I don’t know if I’m ready to fuck Harry, no offense.”  
   
“None taken,” Harry said, grinning crookedly up at him. Zayn moved over to where Louis was, and sat on the edge of the bed. He ran a hand down Lou’s bare back, and Louis smiled, ducking his head.  
   
“I don’t know what to do here,” Zayn said. “I suppose I could watch. But I want to sleep with you tonight.”  
   
“Without me, I suppose,” Harry said, and Zayn shrugged. “Look, I can go home,” Harry said. “I guess we just thought you wouldn’t mind since you’re fine with Louis being with us.”  
   
“I guess being involved in it is different,” Zayn said. “But I don’t want to upset you.” Zayn tipped Louis’s face up and kissed him, then he moved to Harry’s end of the bed. “We’ve got a lot to do to get on track again,” Zayn said to him, and Harry smiled. “But I’m not sure if I want to go from ‘just started talking to you again’ to fucking.”  
   
Harry giggled, squinching up his nose, and Zayn kissed his cheek.  Harry turned his head, and Zayn felt a soft kiss on his jaw. “Hey, you stopped,” Harry said, and Zayn didn’t know what he meant, until he felt Louis’s skinny little body spooned behind him.  
   
Zayn turned to face Louis. He was still thin, but he looked happier than the first time Zayn came to visit. “Hey,” Zayn said. “It’s good to see you.” Louis moved so he was in a better position for them to kiss, and Zayn pulled him in. They kissed for a few minutes, until Zayn heard some beeps from Harry’s phone. He looked over to see Harry looking bored and playing some game on his phone.  
   
“Do ya want to go in another bedroom?” Louis asked Zayn. Zayn shrugged, not really caring. “It’s just kind of rude of us, to let Harry down like that. We probably shouldn’t fuck in front of him on top of that.”  
   
“I can hear you,” Harry said, sounding indifferent, while pushing buttons on his phone. “Look, I understand if you two want to be alone. My house isn’t far from here. I might want to get myself off before I go, ‘course.”  
   
Zayn didn’t know what to say. Kicking Harry out of bed was rude, but he really didn’t want to share, at least not this night. “I’m sorry,” Zayn said, and Harry quirked a little grin at him.  
   
“It’s okay. I’m going to the loo, see you later.” And then Harry got up and walked his naked ass over to the bathroom. Zayn looked over at Louis.  
   
“You know, we should have been clearer,” he said. “We both meant something different and now Harry’s got to take care of himself in the bath. I know you were trying to surprise me, but I’m not ready to be with Harry that way right now.”  
   
“Yeah, that was a mess,” Louis agreed, and Zayn kissed him again. “But Harry’s been so great with me since you’ve been gone. He’s just really been there, never told me I was stupid for taking you back-“ Zayn held his tongue, he never thought of them as being together in the first place. “He’s just been really good.”  
   
“That’s good.” He wondered if any of the other lads were giving Zayn a hard time behind his back. Since the only ones left were Liam and Niall, it seemed unlikely. He kissed Louis one more time, and Louis kissed back. They kissed for a while, until the bathroom door opened and Harry came out, looking flushed.  
   
“Don’t mind me,” Harry said, so Zayn went right back to snogging Louis until Harry had his clothes on. “Can I get a kiss before I go?”  Zayn pulled back, letting Louis turn to kiss Harry. Zayn figured he would go then, but instead he leaned in closer.  
   
“Zayn, will you kiss me goodbye?”  
   
Zayn didn’t think about it much. He just leaned in and gave Harry a kiss that was a grade above a peck, but just barely. Harry gave him a serene smile, and left. Zayn turned to Louis when he heard Harry close the front door. “Was that good?”  
   
“Don’t have to ask me, you do whatever you’re comfortable with. I’m sorry again, you don’t have to fuck Harry, or anybody else. But I kind of wanted to have some fun with both of you.”  
   
“I’m not ready for that, I don’t think.” Zayn came in closer. “I need to get used to being with you. But it’s okay.” Louis preened, and Zayn laughed, shaking his head. “You’re so ridiculous.”  
   
“You like it though. I know you do. Anyway, get over here and fuck me.” Zayn laughed and grabbed the lube.  
   
…  
   
Eventually, Zayn fell into a routine with Louis. They stayed in touch through their phones, and came to visit when they could. But it wasn’t very often, since they were both so busy. But it made things better, and Zayn was building his relationships with the boys back as well.  
   
Which is why it wasn’t surprising when he found Niall on his doorstep one day. Zayn had been working on some songs, so he invited Niall in. “Hey, did you bring your guitar? Maybe you can help me on this.”  
   
“Naw, I left it, sorry.” Niall came in, and Zayn got the kettle on. Niall tended to want a cup of tea every twenty minutes, unless he had a beer. Zayn didn’t have any beer in his house right then, so tea it was.  
   
“Thanks,” Niall said when Zayn gave him his cuppa, and then they talked about things, not even the group. Just normal stuff, Niall’s travels, politics. Zayn didn’t notice that Niall was sitting closer ever time one of them got up and came back. Until, he found himself with Niall straddling his lap, kissing his neck.  
   
“Niall? Should we do this? I don’t know if we should?” Zayn had a hand on Niall’s hip, which didn’t discourage him.  
   
“Mmm?” Niall stopped kissing but left his lips against Zayn’s neck.  
   
“I just mean,” Zayn felt hot and awkward, like when he was sixteen and hopeless with girls. “I just mean that Louis isn’t here. He’s not with us, so. I don’t think we should.”  
   
Niall pulled back, looking curious and interested, not put off. “Huh. He’s been tellin’ us about you, you know. Gets us off saying what you’d do to us.”  
   
Zayn rolled his eyes. Of course Louis was. “I’m fine with that, I just don’t know what to do on my end.”  
   
“Why don’t you message him or something? He’ll say yes.”  
   
“Okay. Um, get off for a minute.” Niall raised an eyebrow but tumbled out of Zayn’s lap. Zayn got his phone and  called Louis. “Hey babe .Um, Niall is here.”  
   
“Hi love. He is? Oh, that’s lovely. You two getting along or do I need to come over there and separate you?”  
   
“We’re doing okay. Um, Lou. Niall was in my lap and I think he wants me to fuck him. Is that okay?”  
   
There was a pause, and then Louis started laughing. “Oh, oh, you’re kidding,” Louis said, and Zayn thought about throwing the phone across the room. “Yes, yes you can. Enjoy yourself, it’s all right. I want you to.”  
   
“Did you send our little Irish cupcake here to seduce me?” Zayn answered, looking for where Niall had gotten. He wasn’t in the living room anymore. Zayn checked the kitchen-no dice. He walked down the hall, and saw Niall’s trainers in the hall.  
   
“Nope, it wasn’t me. If he’s there and wants your cock, it’s all him. Although, I might’ve told the lads about you when I was with them.” Zayn was still walking, and he found Niall in his bedroom, his little bleached head poking out from under the covers.  
   
“He’s in my bed,” Zayn said. “Lou, do you want me to hang up or get you on Face Time? Are you alone?’  
   
“I’m alone. And yes, please do. You want me to be there, don’t you?”  
   
“I guess. Okay, get you in a second.” He hung up and then pulled up Face Time. “Hey,” he said, and then pointed the phone at Niall, who waved. “Gonna prop this on the night table and take my kit off,” Zayn said, and he carefully put the phone up.  
   
Niall pushed down the covers as Zayn stripped. “Your body looks different,” Zayn said. It was nicely muscled and sleeker, more compact. “I have to be honest, I was never that attracted to you before.” Then he cringed, that sounded terrible. “I’m sorry.”  
   
“It’s okay. We had different focuses at the time.” Niall’s smile was serene as Zayn looked him over. Zayn looked over at his phone, and saw a naked Louis turned toward his own phone, cock in hand. “Zayn,” Niall said, and Zayn looked back at him. Niall winked.  
   
“Sorry,” Zayn said. “What do you want to do?”  
   
“Just touch me, okay? And I’ll touch you. We need to relearn each other’s bodies. It’s been a long time.” Zayn wasn’t sure that was the best way, since he had never learned Niall’s body to began with, but Niall pulled him in for a kiss, and he shut up.  
   
They explored each other with hands and mouths, kissing each other when they could. Zayn would forget about Louis except when he said something, and then Zayn would lean up to look at him. “No, no, I didn’t mean for you to stop!”  
   
“What did you think I was going to do?” Zayn said, and Niall slapped his ass and told him to keep focused. Zayn would snuggled back down and pull Niall on top of hm.  
   
Eventually, Zayn wound up getting his mouth on Niall’s cock. Niall held the phone up so Louis could watch as he sucked Niall down. When Niall came, Zayn moved up, grinning into the phone. “Now it’s my turn.”  
   
“Yes. Let Niall take care of you, love.” Zayn winked at Louis, and then came in to give Niall a kiss.  Part of him still thought it was odd, screwing his ex-bandmate like this, but it was fun and Niall was a cute thing, really.  
   
After a few minutes of kissing, Zayn rolled onto his back and Niall kissed down his body. Zayn held the phone so Louis could see Niall licking up his cock before sucking down on it. Zayn then turned the phone facing him so Louis could see his face. Louis was thrusting up into his fist. “Tell me Zaynie, tell me how it feels.”  
   
“It’s good, it’s good,” Zayn said, powerless to describe it much, but Niall was relentless, going down on Zayn like he would die if he didn’t have Zayn’s cock in his mouth. Zayn was coming before he knew it, letting out a loud groan. Through the phone, he heard Louis moan too as he came.  
   
“Okay?” Niall said, looking sweaty and flushed. Zayn rolled his eyes, because that was a daft thing to say right then.  Then Niall knee-walked back up and collapsed half onto Zayn. “Let’s nap.”  
   
“Niall wants me to nap,” Zayn said to Louis, who was shaking his head and grinning. “Do you want me to leave this on?”  
   
“Of course I do. I’ll see you soon, Zayn. Now hug your friend, he wants cuddles.” Zayn snorted and put an arm around Niall. They wound up napping for about an hour. Then Niall got dressed, kissed Zayn goodbye and saw himself out.  
   
…  
   
Zayn felt a little weird about the visit from Niall for a couple of days afterward. Louis told him he was being stupid, but it still-he had left the band, and other bad circumstances. He had never fucked his bandmates before this, except for Louis. So why now?”  
   
“Because we missed you, you idiot,” Liam said. “We all knew you would probably leave someday, but the way it happened was really hard.”  
   
“Yeah. I couldn’t stand it another minute, but I’m sorry. Most of that was my fault.”  
   
“Yes, we know,” Liam said and Zayn gave him a two fingers  salute down the phone. “Louis missed you so much. And I know you missed him, you just didn’t want to say so. I might be coming to see you soon, by the way.”  
   
“What, are you looking for your turn?” Zayn meant it as a joke, but Liam blushed slightly. “Liam, not you too…”  
   
“Louis likes to talk,” Liam said suddenly. “About you, about what you could do to all of us. He’s kind of setting us up for it. Do you really not want to? Because I can leave you alone. But….I’d still like to.”  
   
“Oh, Louis,” Zayn said, and Liam giggled. “Liam, you’re like my best mate in the group. I don’t even know if I could be attracted to you. I like boys, but not to the same extent Louis does. I don’t know if I feel pressured, but it’s odd.”  
   
“It’s mostly because we’re friends?” Zayn nodded. “I can see that. I’d still like to, but it’s okay if we don’t.”  
   
“There’s more though,” Zayn said. “All that stuff that you and Louis talk about, about the five of us being fated or something-I don’t feel it the same way the rest of you do. I know I feel it for Louis, I hated every minute I wasn’t talking to him. But you guys…I don’t know.”  
   
“Are you happy now that we’re back in your life?” Zayn nodded again. “See, I think you do feel it, just maybe not on the same level. I knew you loved Louis, no matter what you said about him. And he loves you to. Even with all the hard times he’s having with this girl, he smiles when he talks about you.”  
   
“Good. I wish I could see him more.”  
   
“He might have some time if you do. Briana might be upset if he takes off for longer than a day, but he could do a quick visit. I’ll let him know.”  
   
“Good. Where are you now?” Zayn sat up a bit stretching his back.  
   
“At mine, spending some time with the parents. I’d really missed them.” Then Liam’s giant Great Dane came into the frame, nosing Liam until he laughed. “Sorry, I have to feed Winston. He gets insistent about it.”  
   
“See you,” Zayn said, and he put his phone down and stretched on the bed. He stared at the ceiling, and after a few minutes, terminated Face Time and called Louis. “Hey,” Zayn said. “Can you come see me?”  
   
…  
   
A few hours later, Louis arrived at Zayn’s door, looking tired and scruffy but not sick. “Hey Zaynie,” Louis said, sounding a bit grumpy and fond at the same time. Zayn stared at him. “What?”  
   
Zayn pulled Louis into the house, shutting the door after him, and then pinned him against it. He’d been only seeing Louis on a screen for so long, it seemed. So he kissed Louis hard, holding him in place. When Louis squirmed, Zayn loosened his grip, but didn’t let go.  
   
He kissed Louis more, and when he pulled back, it was only so he could haul Louis in his arms and hold him up. Louis wrapped his legs around Zayn’s waist and they kept kissing. Zayn didn’t know what was wrong with him, he only knew that seeing Louis in person again was triggering something.  
   
When he felt the tears slid down his face, he finally put Louis down. Louis stood there, not saying anything or mocking him, which he couldn’t take right then. Zayn wiped his face, not trying to turn away from Louis, and said “Let’s go upstairs. It’s good to see you.” Understatement.  
   
Louis patted Zayn’s damp cheek, and followed Zayn to the bedroom.   
   
They both stripped without ceremony and Zayn stretched out on the bed. Louis came in and Zayn snuggled him in close, just touching him at first. “Feels good,” Louis said. “You know, Niall loves to cuddle. He’ll cuddle right up with-“  
   
Zayn put a finger over Louis’s lips. “Not now,” he said. “You can tell me about the others the second time we fuck, if we have enough time to. But this one is for us.”  
   
Louis nodded, and Zayn removed his finger. Louis kept talking, but never mentioned the others again, instead flattering Zayn, talking about how good he looked. Zayn didn’t feel like he needed to be told, but he let Louis talk. He did love to chatter.  
   
They kissed slowly, running their hands over each other’s bodies. Zayn was in no rush, wanting to keep the lazy feel of this going. Louis was feeling the same, far as he could tell, and they explored each other slowly.  
   
After a while, Zayn rolled them over so Louis was on his back. Then he reached for the lube. They had done this before, Zayn always topping. But this time Louis just looked him in the eye.  
   
“Nope,” he said, and then Zayn found himself on his back, and Louis with the lube. Zayn blinked up at Louis. He hadn’t expected this so soon. “You okay with this?” Louis said as he leaned down to kiss Zayn’s neck.  
   
“I…” Zayn wasn’t sure how to answer, but then Louis raised his head and looked at him. Louis looked soft and patient, not demanding. And Zayn was probably going to do this sometime soon anyway, so…”Yeah, all right.” Louis beamed and slid down his body.  
   
Getting fingered open was a new experience, Zayn thought to himself. It wasn’t _bad_ , but it took a long time. Louis kept talking, flattering him, and Zayn stayed quiet, watching Louis through heavy-lidded eyes. Louis went slowly and used a lot of lube, so it didn’t hurt. Zayn expected that it would, so it was…strange. But he wasn’t complaining.  
   
By the time Louis was ready and had the condom on, Zayn wasn’t really hard anymore. But he spread his legs and wrapped them around Louis’s hips when Louis started to push in. “Okay?” Louis said, and Zayn nodded. “Are you sure?”  
   
“You know me, if I hated it I would tell you,” Zayn snapped, and Louis chuckled as he slowly (slowly) pressed in. Zayn felt the strange intrusion of another person inside him, decided he liked it. Louis shifted his body so he was low enough that they could kiss. “Hey,” he said.  
   
Louis smiled. “Hey.” Zayn put a hand on Louis’s back as they kissed. Louis was still going so slow. Zayn jerked his hips, impatient, and felt a little bloom of pain. Then he felt another one as Louis smacked his hip. “Stop that, let me do it. I won’t have well-fucked Zayners if you try to rush me.”  
   
“I just wanted to see what would happen,” Zayn said. In truth, he had a very hard time handing someone else the reins like this. He’d always been one to do it his way, and now he was trying to be good. But it was hard. “Hey, why did you stop talking?”  
   
“Because I’m trying to concentrate, you bastard. I never would have guessed you’d be so eager to get fucked you’d risk getting hurt. Trust me, sores inside your bum are the worst.” Louis moved a little more and Zayn was sure he was all the way in. “Feel good?”  
   
“Feels pretty good.” He felt like his cock was stirring again, from the friction of Louis’s body and the cock inside him. Mostly he felt blissed out, relaxed, like when he would be with girls and them on top. He was just enjoying the ride.  
   
“Lazy fucker,” Louis said, and then he thrust up, and Zayn felt something, an electric shock of pleasure that went straight to his cock. He whimpered, grabbing at Louis.  
   
“Oh fuck,” he said, and he opened his eyes to a smug Louis looking down at him.  
   
“Gotcha. Prostate, gets them every time.” Zayn smacked Louis’s ass to get him back, and Louis just giggled. “Want me to do it again?” Zayn almost said no out of sheer pride, but then Louis thrust again without asking, and Zayn groaned.  
   
“I thought so.”  
   
They went like that for a while, Louis hitting his spot every now and then, but still being gentle. Zayn’s hands became restless, moving over Louis’s back and bum, touching as much of him as he could. Louis kissed him, and when he pulled back, he looked into Zayn’s eyes. “You okay?”  
   
“Yeah,” Zayn said, nodding. “Why did ya ask?”  
   
“Just want to be sure. I want to do this again some time, so I don’t want it to be bad for you. I just want things to be good.” There was a bit of desperation in that, and Zayn touched Louis’s cheek.  
   
“I won’t stop seeing you if it’s bad, Lou.” Louis shook his head. “I mean it, I won’t.”  
   
“I don’t know that,” Louis said. “I don’t know when you’ll stop calling or Face Timing with me. You left the group, what else could you do?”  Louis stopped thrusting then, and got a look on his face that Zayn knew meant he’d thought he’d said too much.  
   
“I’m not going to stop,” Zayn said. “I told you I’d be with you. I left the band for my own reasons, not because of you.” He didn’t know how true that actually was. Louis and the others not speaking to him was a big factor. “Don’t stop, Louis. I’m right here with you now. Don’t worry.”  
   
“Okay,” Louis said, and he started moving again. Zayn knew this would come up again, but he let it go, letting Louis make him feel good. He went back to kissing him, and Zayn relaxed again. It was getting back to being good.  
   
But then he got restless. “Hey,” he said, and Louis looked down at him. “Are you going to come in my bum or what?”  
   
Louis stopped thrusting again, and raised an eyebrow. “Do I hear a complaint?”  
   
“No, no,” Zayn said, but then he betrayed himself with giggles. “Just wondering.”  
   
“I was planning to wait a while,” Louis said. “But if His Majesty wants, I can spunk in his royal ass forthwith.”  
   
Zayn laughed even more, and squeezed Louis with his legs. “Okay,” he said. “Love you.” He didn’t mean to say it, but it slipped out, and damned if Zayn was taking it back.  
   
Louis’s pace slipped, and he stared at Zayn. Zayn cupped Lou’s face again, and kissed him. He started to move again, and Zayn moved with him until Louis hit him dead on the gland and he came without even being touched. “Shit,” he gasped, and Louis just kept going and sucked on Zayn’s tongue until he started to come, breaking the kiss.  
   
“Oh, oh…” Zayn felt Louis pulse inside him, and then Louis was pulling out, one hand on the condom, and heading to the bathroom. Zayn curled on his side and waited for him to come back, hoping he hadn’t scared Louis.  
   
He heard a flush and then Louis came back. “Let me in,” Louis said even though Zayn’s bed was roughly the size of Essex. Zayn made a grumpy noise and moved over anyway. Louis slid in behind him, and kissed Zayn’s neck. “I love you too, you know.”  
   
Zayn smiled, even though Louis couldn’t see it. “I know. Let’s sleep. For a little while.” Louis kissed his neck again, and they settled down to rest.  
   
…  
   
Zayn woke up before Louis-he must be jet-lagged, Zayn thought. He got up quietly and put on some trackies and went downstairs to his kitchen. Without really thinking about it, he put together a curry that was mild enough for Louis’s hilarious timid palate. He got the rice on and got some frozen naan into the oven. When Louis stumbled downstairs thirty minutes after him, he had a good lunch ready.  
   
“Hey. You cooked for me.” Louis was rubbing his eyes and staring at the table, and Zayn felt his heart expand, he was so beautiful. Louis stumbled over to the table, tripping on Zayn’s too-long trackies, and Zayn sat next to him. “Thank you.”  
   
“Welcome. Let me get you something to drink.” But Louis shook his head, and went to get it himself, knocking around because he didn’t know Zayn’s new place well. Or at all, Zayn figured. But he was back with a glass of milk, which made Louis look even more adorable. He kept that to himself. “How was your nap?”  
   
“Okay. Thanks for fixing me this. I didn’t eat much on the plane. I was kind of nervous, I guess.”  
   
“You were?” Zayn didn’t ask why. He knew that Louis had gone on for a bit thinking that Zayn couldn’t love him. “It’s all right now, just eat. I want to talk to you about a few things though.” Zayn got a good forkful of his own curry then.  
   
“Yeah? I guess we do need to talk. As long as you’re not breaking up with me again, that is.” Louis said it lightly, but he wasn’t looking at Zayn. Zayn reached over and wrapped a hand around one of Louis’s wrists.  
   
“I’m not. You know what I said upstairs. I still mean it, even when we’re not fucking. It’s all right. I know you might not ever trust me like you used to, but it is. I’m sorry about that.” Louis looked over, and Zayn could see the fatigue in his eyes, but also the kindness. “I just want to talk about things.”  
   
“Like, how we’re doing this when we’re apart and the world thinks we hate each other?” Zayn nodded. “Do you want to talk about the others too? Liam said something about you being all torn about it.”  
   
“He’s exaggerating,” Zayn said. “But yeah, we’re in a weird position. Nobody outside the group knows that I’m with you. Except our families.” Louis had made him call Johanna and let her know that he was back with Lou. It was the strangest thing that had happened since he’d left the band.  
   
“Well, the crew has a good idea, but we’re not on tour anymore, and they ain’t saying shit.” Zayn nodded-they had amazing contracts and amazing lawyers on that point.”You know I’m seeing Danielle for show. She’s nice enough, but I don’t really know her.”  
   
“You know I’m seeing Gigi. She’s great. I’m not fucking her,” he said before Louis could worry. “She’s not interested in men. She’s got a girlfriend, she won’t tell me who it is. I suppose it must be someone famous, or maybe she’s returning the favor. I won’t tell her who you are.”  
   
“I’m proud to hear you mentioned me at all,” Louis quipped, dragging a piece of naan through his plate. “You could look at it like, mutually assured destruction. I wouldn’t mind if you wanted to tell her, if you think it’s all right. She seems like a sweet girl.”  
   
“She’s fun. She likes to have a laugh when we go to these horrible things,” Zayn said. “She’s better for my anxiety than Perrie. I still feel bad about how that went.”  
   
“She’ll get some good songs out of it. Do you want to talk about the group? Liam’s been giving me puppy eyes because he thinks that you don’t want to shag him. Is that true?” Zayn finished his food and then took the plate to the kitchen. “Zayn?”  
   
“I don’t know,” Zayn said when he came back. “It’s Liam, he’s…” Zayn sat back down, trying to figure out how to explain it. “He was my first friend, in the group,” Zayn said. “And I feel like, we shared everything else. Sex just seems weird.”  
   
“He’s all fit now though,” Louis said, and Zayn snorted. “No, he is. And he’s grown-up, he’s not the scared boy you remember. He knows exactly what he’s doing-well, most of the time. And he loves you.” Zayn looked up. “What?”  
   
“I don’t know if I love him like that? I don’t feel the same way about him that I do you, and you know how long I denied loving you. I know what you four all say, that we’re bonded by all our time in the band-but why don’t I feel it the same way you lads seem to?” Zayn leaned back in his chair and stared at his ceiling. “I don’t know. I love you, I’m sure of that. And Niall’s fun. But Harry and Liam? I just don’t know.”  
   
“Nobody’s forcing you into anything,” Louis said, sliding his chair closer. Zayn let his chair back down and took Louis’s hand. “We just want to share this with you. It’s all we wanted really, to have you with us in all ways, but you always…” Louis looked at the table.  
   
“You thought I was isolating myself?” Zayn said. “Mum always said I would do that, even as a child. I swear, it usually wasn’t about you lads. Sometimes, like if I was mad at Harry or something. But mostly I was just being myself.”  
   
“I don’t know. But I know it looked like that to me, before. I always thought you were making things harder on yourself than you needed to. Then you left, and I thought maybe I was underestimating how hard it actually was. You’re happier now, aren’t you?”  
   
“Making music I care about? Yes. Not getting so many stupid racist questions? Yeah. I don’t think I knew how much I depended on you all until I put myself in a position where it was gone. But I still don’t know how far I want to take it. I’m glad though, that I  got you all back in my life. Especially you.”  
   
“Like I would have said no to you,” Louis said, and kissed his jaw. “You’re my beautiful Prince. I adore you, I can’t help myself.” Louis came in for another kiss, and Zayn kissed back, soft. After a minute Louis pulled back. “Do whatever you’re comfortable with. We can make it work.”  
   
“You really think that?” Louis was about to be a father soon. They were all scattered to the four winds. Zayn wasn’t even in the band. Niall kept texting him about solo band ideas. Harry was going to be in a damned movie, maybe. The deal wasn’t nailed down yet. They were all acting like separate people, finally. Would they ever really come back together?  
   
But Louis just twinkled at him, and kissed his forehead. “We will. We can do anything.”  
   
…  
   
Zayn didn’t get to see Louis again for a bit, as his recording and promotion for the new record started heating up. Then he got a delirious call one early morning. “She’s had it-him! She’s had him!”  
   
“A boy?” Zayn pulled himself together, sitting up in bed. “She had a boy? What’s his name?”  
   
“We’re still working that out, but I voted for Freddie,” Louis said. “She gets the middle name. He’s beautiful, Zayn. He’s a real boy. He’s so…tiny.”  Zayn heard Louis hitch a sob.  
   
“Shh, shhh, you’re in a good hospital. They can take care of him, yeah? And I hate to say this, but did you get the test-“  
   
“I’m getting it now, yeah. But I’m pretty sure he’s actually mine. That nose.” Louis let out a wet laugh. “I need to get back. Thank you Zaynie, for everything. Love you.”  
   
“Love you too,” Zayn said, and then Louis hung up. Zayn laid back down and stared at his ceiling, trying to imagine a baby Louis. Or Freddie. That sounded like a good name for any child of Lou’s. He thought about it happily until he fell asleep.  
   
He got updates about Freddie every now and again from Louis. Louis wasn’t sleeping a great deal, and was trying to be able to see his son as much as he wanted. Briana had a lot of misgivings about him, and Louis had to deal with that, sometimes with lawyers. So Louis didn’t have him on Face Time all day like he normally did. He just couldn’t.  
   
Zayn knew it was for a good reason, but he missed him. Luckily, he had his album to keep him busy-the single blew up, which made Zayn happy. “Maybe I did the right thing by leaving, even if it was for some wrong reasons,” he said on the phone to Liam.  
   
Liam was quiet for a minute. Then he said “Maybe so. I knew you hated some of the music. But we missed you when you left us. At least you’re talking to everyone now and things are better. Maybe you leaving the group was what it took to keep you in the brotherhood.”  
   
“You make it sound like a cult,” Zayn said, getting his pipe. After he’d had a pull, he got back on. “Do you have any time off? I wouldn’t mind seeing you.” Then he thought about how that sounded. “Um…”  
   
“Zayn,” Liam said, using his patient voice. “We don’t have to do anything. We can just have a laugh, watch TV. Like old times. I’d love to come over. Right now I’ve just been spending time with my family and my dog. I wouldn’t mind a day in.”  
   
“Okay. I’m not sure when I’ll be free, but I’ll look. I’ll let you know.” Then he hung up with Liam, and left Louis a couple of texts. Then he answered an e-mail from Niall. Zayn didn’t know if he had a word for having the boys back like this. He supposed he liked it.  
   
He texted Liam the next day: **Come over?** Liam texted back with about six emojis, and soon Liam was at his door. “Hey,” he said, and Liam smiled, all puppy-eyed. “Come on in, I want you to listen to some tracks.” Liam gave him a hug and slipped inside.  
   
They stayed down in Zayn’s basement studio most of the time. Liam listened to his music and didn’t make suggestions, something that Zayn was glad for. He didn’t know why, but as much as he loved Liam, he didn’t want to write songs with him.  
   
They went upstairs to have dinner, and Liam sat close to him. Not enough to make Zayn feel crowded, but enough to make him wonder if Liam was there to start anything. “Hey,” Zayn started, and Liam looked over at him.  
   
“Yeah, what?”  
   
Zayn chickened out. “Nothing, let me get the sodas.” He got up and stumbled to his kitchen. When he came back, Liam turned to face him, smiling softly. “Here,” he said, feeling a bit nervous and out of sorts, and he was just having dinner with one of his best friends. “You want anything else?”  
   
“Just sit next to me,” Liam said, and Zayn took a deep breath to collect himself, and then sat back down. “It’s okay,” Liam said, and put a hand on his knee. “If you really don’t want to do anything, you don’t have to. But I’m really glad to see you again. I missed you.”  
   
“I missed you too. I missed you before I even left the band.” Liam hadn’t completely stopped talking to him, but Zayn still felt his absence. “Let’s eat and put something on telly. How long can you stay?”  
   
“I should head back in a couple of hours,” Liam said, and he leaned in and gave Zayn a gentle kiss. Zayn didn’t pull back or try to stop him, and they kissed for a few seconds before Liam pulled back, grinning. “I just wanted to see if that was okay.”  
   
“Sure.” Zayn might still have a bit of a mental block about sex with Liam, but kissing him wasn’t anywhere near the weirdest thing that had happened over the past few months. Liam snuggled in, and Zayn held him as they half-watched a movie.  
   
When Liam left, they kissed again at the door, Zayn cupping Liam’s cheek. When he was gone, Zayn texted Louis. **Liam just left. We kissed.**  
   
**Good** , was the response he got back a few minutes later. Then **Tired, day spent at dr. for Freddie & then lawyer’s. See you tmmr**.  
   
**night** Zayn curled up in his too-big bed, wondering when he’d get to see Louis again.  
   
…  
   
Soon Zayn barely had time to even text Louis, as his promo for the album really reached its peak. He felt like he did when he was in the band and the others were barely speaking to him-tossed alone to deal with his panic attacks and anxiety with no help. He wound up getting more texts from Liam than anyone else, even though Louis would say he was worried.  
   
“Lou’s going through something hard too,” Harry said when he called out of the blue. “That’s his baby, and sometimes he barely sees the little thing. And he’s poorly, which makes it worse.”  
   
“He’s getting better, right?” Most of little Freddie’s problems seemed to be from being premature, something that could be handled very well by hospitals these days. “I miss him, but yeah. I try not to complain too much.”  
   
“Sure you don’t,” Harry said and Zayn rolled his eyes. “But really, come see him. Are you touring anytime soon?”  
   
“I don’t know,” Zayn said. “I hate performing live. I can’t imagine doing it alone.” The idea was pretty terrifying. “And I’m a solo act now, so they expect me to.”  
   
“Maybe you can get your boys to back you up, like Eminem and his group.” Okay, now Zayn wanted to hang up on him, and then smack him. “I’m kidding,” he said. “But there’s got to be a way you can tour. Maybe just a small one at first? People love your voice. They just tolerate mine.”  
   
“No, they like yours,” Zayn said. “I’ve just-I’ve toured so much and I wasn’t even good at it. I let you lads do all the heavy lifting, so to speak. And now people want me to fix up a big tour and go all over. I’m not sure if it’s me.”  
   
“Maybe it isn’t,” Harry said. “Maybe you can put it off, but eventually you’re going to have to do one. People want to see their favorites live. Okay, I’m getting off and I want you to call or text Louis. Okay? See you soon, maybe.” Zayn nodded-Harry was very busy.  
   
“Okay, see ya,” Zayn said and hung up. He texted Louis right after, but didn’t get an answer. So then he took a shower and went to bed, not worrying about it.  
   
The next morning, he woke up to a picture of Freddie in his e-mails, with a note. **Been busy. Talk to you soon. Love you**. Zayn smiled when he saw it. He sent a quick text back and then got ready for a photo shoot he had.  
   
He didn’t get to check his phone until that night, when he got home. Louis had left him a video. Zayn opened it, expecting something perverted with him and one of the other boys. Instead, it was Louis, looking into the camera and talking.  
   
“Hey Zayn, wish you could be here. I’m trying to be a good father, but it’s hard. I thought I knew all about babies, but actually having one is a new experience. I’d like for you to meet Freddie, he’s a good little lad. He sleeps a lot, but he’s a preemie. I don’t know why I’m filming this, but I miss you. Send me one back. Love you, your Louis.” Then Louis reached over and shut the camera off.  
   
Zayn looked at his phone for a moment, trying to figure out what to send to his boyfriend. After a few minutes, he went and got his new guitar. He put his laptop up and set the camera to record as he started playing a few chords.  
   
He had no real plan, but what came out was a lullaby. He crooned whatever words he could come up with, and matched them to the chords. When he was done, he looked at the camera and said “Play this for Freddie, okay? So he knows my voice.”  
   
He shut the camera off and went to get some weed. Thinking about Louis playing that for Freddie was weird, but he hoped that he would. He hoped a lot of things, he supposed. Then he smoked up and went to bed.  
   
He woke up to a bunch of happy texts and e-mails from Louis, thanking him for the video. Zayn couldn’t even remember much of what he’d sung, but Louis insisted he was going to play it to Freddie the next night he had him over. The last message ended with Louis basically ordering Zayn to start Face Timing again. Zayn had a date with Gigi that night, but he got up early the next morning and turned it on.  
   
“Hey, “ he said. “You awake?” There was a pile of blankets with what looked like Louis’s head sticking out. “Guess not.” It was on, though. “Hey, can you hear me?” Then Louis lifted his head and glared into his phone, so pissy that Zayn started laughing.  
   
“I’m up now, you bastard,” he said. “Hi. Did you have a good date with the beard? Have you told her about us yet? I’m going to get some tea, hang on.” Louis sat up, and Zayn watched as he got out of bed and left the camera range.  
   
Zayn went and got a bottle of water while Louis was gone, and a few minutes later Louis was back with a cup. “So, did you?”  
   
“You want me to tell Gi? I haven’t yet, we’re never completely alone when we go out, someone might here. And hell, I’m half-afraid that someone’s bugged my house, you know? I wouldn’t have put it past Cowell, would you have?”  
   
“Well I never thought about it before, but thanks. Now I’ll have to sweep my house for listening devices. I think she might be a good friend for you, so I’m in favor of you telling her. You kind of need people you can trust. I know you didn’t want to do this, but she seems like a nice girl, far as these things go.”  
   
“She is,” Zayn said. “Nice gay girl who works as a model, there’s tons of them. But more importantly, when can I see you? And do you think Freddie will be over?” The smile dropped off Louis’s face then. “What?”  
   
“I might be getting that lawyer you told me about to press for shared custody. I’m having a hard time getting to see the little babe myself. She always comes up with an excuse. I don’t know, Zayn. I’m trying me best but it’s just so hard.”  
   
Zayn didn’t say anything at first, just wished he could be there. “Do whatever you have to do to see him,” he said. “Call the lawyer, call all the lawyers you want. He’s your son. He has to know you, and not just as the person who pays his mum’s bills. I wish I could help.”  
   
“You are, you are, don’t think you’re not.” Louis looked exhausted still, sipping his tea in his pants. “I love you, you’re great to talk to about this. Oh, that reminds me, mum wants to hear from you. She missed you like everyone else. Give her a call soon, okay?”  
   
Sure, I’ll make sure I still have the number.”  Zayn looked at Louis. “When can I come see you? Not with all this drama over Freddie, right?”  
   
“It would be hard to explain what with everyone convinced we hate each other now. But sure. We’ll try to make a good time for it. I’m tired though, and you should sleep. We’ll try to work it out later. I love you, Zayn. Get ready for the day, I’ll watch you.”  
   
“Okay,” Zayn said, grinning. “I’m going to take a shower first though.” He took his phone to the bathroom and sat it on the sink. He went into the shower and cleaned up as he always did, brushed his teeth and took one of his new medications for anxiety. “Okay, back to the bedroom.”  
   
“You don’t have to narrate, you idiot, I can see you,” Louis said, but he sounded fond. “I really would like to see you. I’m glad things are going well for you. I wished they would, even when I hated you.”  
   
“I’ll come see you soon, I just have to find a free day or two.” Zayn said. He didn’t want to think about the months Louis shut him out. “I miss you, and you look like you need some company. I’m going to check my schedule. But right now I have to sleep, it’s early for me. Want me to leave this on?”  
   
“Yeah,” Louis said. “Mum said we were co-dependent, but I’ll take that over never seeing you at all.” Zayn nodded and took his trackies off before he got in bed, curled facing his phone. “Night Zayn.”  
   
“Night.” Zayn was asleep before he knew it. When he got up that afternoon, he tried to find some spare days, and he texted Louis with the findings soon as he could. When he got home, they Face Timed again. “I can be there Friday,” he said. “Let me ask first, are you going to have any of the other lads in your bed on that day? I just want to know what to expect.”  
   
Louis looked up at the ceiling. “You don’t want there to be, do you?” He asked. “You’d rather see me first. Yeah, I didn’t tell the others you were coming over yet. So we can have some time alone. But if you want to, just let me know.”  
   
“I’ll want to see first. I don’t know how much time I’d have left for anyone else. So, no Harry in bed with you when I come in.” Louis nodded, and Zayn smiled at his image. “I can’t wait, I miss you.”  
   
“Just come on already! I’m already impatient with you talking about it.” Louis made grabby hands toward the screen. “Come see me, Zayners.” Zayn laughed. He’d be there soon enough, he thought.  
   
…  
   
So, a few days later he’d gotten on a private jet and flown to LA without telling anyone. He went to Louis’s house in a roundabout way in his rented car, trying to see if there were any paps about. Sure enough, there were a few of those long-lensed bastards hanging around. **Trying to get in, photographers** he sent to Louis. **Should have brought a pizza delivery outfit**.  
   
**There you go** , Louis answered back. Zayn decided to just go ahead and do it, screw the pap. He pulled his car up the driveway and used the keypad to let himself in. When he did, he saw Louis in the living room, with a tiny baby seat on the coffee table. “Get the fuck out.”  
   
“Shhh,” Louis said. “You can’t teach him language like that. That’s my job. Come and look at him, Zayn.” Zayn walked around and sat on the sofa, staring at the tiny bundle of what could only be Louis’s child in front of him.  
   
“He looks amazing,” Zayn said after a few minutes. “He looks like you. He’s quieter than you though.” He reached out and tickled Freddie’s little sock-covered foot. Freddie made a face and moved his foot out of the way.  
   
“You’re just catching him off-shift,” Louis said. “Wait until about 2am, that’s his favorite time to fuss.” Louis looked up at Zayn then. “He won’t be here though. I’m giving him back in an hour. I just thought you’d like to see him. It was a chore, getting him for this long.”  
   
“Yeah, I can see that.” Zayn looked back down at Freddie, who was blowing spit bubbles and flexing his tiny fingers. “He’s perfect.”  
   
Louis laughed softly. “He’s got an amazing amount of personality, that one. I remember the babies mum looked after, some of them have zero personality right out of the womb, and others have tons. I don’t know why some have to grow into it, but it happens.”  
   
“I guess so. My sisters always had plenty of personality right away.” He reached over and took Louis’s hand. “You’re a father. I should’ve known you would be first.”  
   
“What, even with me being as queer as I am?” Zayn shrugged. Louis just attracted children to him. Him getting a girl knocked up was sloppy, but not out of character. “Yeah, I can’t regret it, since I did get Freddie out of it.” Just then, Freddie made a cross-sounding noise, and Louis got up. “Time to heat up some breast milk, she sent me a bunch of it with him this morning.”  
   
“Go ahead, I’ll watch him.” Louis went to the kitchen, and while he fumbled around with the milk, Zayn did as he said and watched the baby. In his head, he thought about living with Louis and raising Freddie, teaching him to ride a bike and how to play guitar. He knew he wouldn’t get to do this anytime soon, but he liked to think of it.  
   
He didn’t realize he was singing to Freddie until he heard Louis cheer. “That sounded good. Couldn’t understand a word of it, but it was good.”  
   
“Was I singing in Urdu?” Louis came back with the milk, shrugging.  
   
“I suppose so. I couldn’t be sure, but that’s the only other language you know, right? Better than me.” Louis put the milk on the coffee table and carefully gathered Freddie in his arms. “Okay, now hand me the bottle.” Zayn did, and then watched in silence as Louis fed his son.  
   
After a few minutes, Freddie burped and then went to sleep on Louis’s shoulder. “I’ll put him down in a minute,” Louis said. “I missed him. He’s such a good baby, Zayn. He’s gotten so much better after being a preemie.”  
   
“He looks really good,” Zayn said. “You’re a good father.”  
   
“I’m glad someone thinks so,” Louis said, and then his phone beeped. “Shit, that’s probably her. If she’s on her way, you might go upstairs for a bit. Her and her family sell stuff to the tabloids on a regular basis.”  
   
“Fuck,” Zayn said, and Louis put the baby down and got his phone. Zayn made himself scarce, going upstairs and sitting in the entertainment room up there. After a few minutes he heard a muffled conversation between Louis and a female who sounded impatient. He kept quiet until he heard the door close, and then he got the Playstation going.  
   
“I know you didn’t come here on short notice to play games, Malik,” Louis said from directly behind him, his hands on Zayn’s shoulders. “Come to bed?” Zayn stood up, stretching his hands overhead, letting his shirt ride up.  
   
“Yeah, let’s go.” Louis grinned and took Zayn’s hand, leading him to the bedroom. Zayn didn’t need to be led, exactly, but he didn’t protest it. When they got there, Louis toed off his shoes and flopped on the bed, then made a face when Zayn stripped his clothes off slowly instead of joining him right then.  
   
“Don’t be so impatient, darling,” Zayn said, and got on the bed when he was naked. Louis turned his head, and they kissed for a long time, Zayn rubbing Louis’s back and arms. Louis made little pleased sounds in the back of his throat.  
   
“What do you want?” Louis said, looking up at Zayn. “I’ve missed you so fucking much.”  
   
“Dunno,” Zayn said. “I’ve been wanking off to you on my phone so much that having you in person seems weird now.” That got him a laugh and a playful dig in his ribs. “Ow! Okay, you decide.”  
   
“Oh Zayn.” Louis scratched his nails down Zayn’s back, making him shiver. “Are you sure you want to leave it up to me?”  
   
“You won’t hurt me,” Zayn said, and Louis stilled a moment. Zayn wasn’t going to take it back-if Louis didn’t know by now how much Zayn trusted him, he needed to. Then Louis grinned at him, all tiny teeth.  
   
“What if I tied you up with something and then rode you? Would that be okay?”  Zayn felt himself go pleasantly warm. “Oh, I see that it does. You’ve got that look.”  
   
“I might like to try that, yeah.” He had wanted to, but couldn’t find the right girl to do it with. Doing it with Louis, well, that was just a little extra special, wasn’t it. He moved off Louis and laid back down on the bed.  
   
“Oh, that’s no fun!” Louis rolled off the bed and got a pair of restrains. “Play-fight me. Wrestle, and I’ll put the restraints on you.”  
   
Zayn rolled his eyes, but when Louis got back on the bed, he rolled away. When Louis tried to move him, Zayn got an arm around his neck and they wound up wrestling just like they did when they were in the group. Finally, Zayn started laughing so hard that Louis got the upper hand, and Zayn was restrained to the bedposts.  
   
“Wasn’t that more fun?” Louis leaned down and licked up Zayn’s neck.  
   
“I guess, you fucking weird wrestling fetishist.” Louis grinned down at him, smug. “Are you going to open yourself? I can’t do it now, not with my hands tied.” Louis just raised an eyebrow, then grabbed the lube. “Good. I want to watch.”  
   
“Not sure what else you would do, tied up like that,” Louis quipped as he spread some lube on his fingers, then moved his legs further apart. Zayn watched as Louis pressed two fingers in, not even trying to work up to it. “There we go,” he said. “I do this a lot when you’re not around. Finger myself, and think about you.”  
   
“Yeah? And you don’t take video so I can see?” Zayn already regretted being tied up, he wanted his hands free so he could grab Louis’s bum. Or smack it, either one. He’d have to wait now.  
   
“Nope,” Louis said. “Have to save some things for myself.” He positioned himself where Zayn had a good view, and worked himself open. Zayn could hear all the half-muffled moans and sighs coming out of Lou, and it was making him inpatient.  
   
“Come on,” he said, and Louis giggled. “I mean it, I’m about to go from nothing. Is that enough?”  
   
“Probably, but don’t push up. Let me work myself on you slowly enough, okay? You’re still pretty big.” Zayn watched as Louis rolled a condom on him and then drizzled some cold lube over his cock. Zayn swore at that, but Louis didn’t even react.  
   
When Louis was finished with that, he moved so he was right over Zayn’s cock. “Hey,” he said, smiling softly, and before Zayn could answer he started working his way on Zayn. Zayn  couldn’t hold in the gasp, and Louis responded with one of his own.  
   
“Remember, don’t thrust,” Louis said, and he moved until he had all of Zayn in him. There was a long pause, and then Louis started moving, setting the pace slow. “Not yet,” he said, and Zayn wanted to argue since he’d only agreed not to fuck Louis back until he was fully seated. But he found he didn’t really want to fuss over it.  
   
Louis kept moving, his own cock hard and leaking slowly onto Zayn’s stomach. “I want to touch you,” Zayn breathed. Louis nodded, but didn’t otherwise respond. “This is kind of torturous,” he said later.  
   
“It is for me too,” Louis said, surprising him. “But I’ve had a shit week, and I want to make the most of this before you leave again.” Zayn nodded, understanding it more, and Louis kept moving.  
   
After a few long minutes the pace got faster, Louis bouncing on him, and then Louis said “Come on, move with me Zaynie,” and Zayn didn’t want to be told twice. He tried to move as much as he could without dislodging Louis, and soon Louis grabbed his cock and after about two or three strokes, he came over Zayn’s stomach.  
   
“Fuck,” Zayn said, strangled, and he came inside Louis right then. Louis grinned at him, breathing hard, and then moved off. Zayn laid back his head fuzzy like cotton, as Louis undid the restraints, then got the condom off of him. When Louis snuggled up next to him, Zayn slid a hand down and squeezed his bum.  
   
“Oh, getting all territorial,” Louis said as if he hadn’t enjoyed being in charge for the last thirty minutes, and Zayn laughed. They were both covered in come and needed to clean up, but instead they kissed until Louis fell asleep. Zayn didn’t want to disturb him, so he just napped too.  
   
…  
   
“When are you coming back?” Zayn stared, bleary-eyed, at the screen. Louis was feeling clingy, something he could tell by the way he kept wanting to talk even though Zayn was tired. “And how are you? How’s the anxiety?”  
   
“Not great,” Zayn said. “They want me to tour, but I can’t. I don’t know how I made all the ones we did. It’s like it’s getting worse, but not really. I’m just letting myself feel it more. I wish you could come up here.”  
   
“No luck there, I have to stay in LA much as I can.” Louis ran a hand through his hair. “You know, Harry was over here last night.”  
   
“Yeah? How’d that go?” Zayn had gotten better about Louis talking about the other lads. “I should have Liam come over.”  
   
“It was great. And yes, you should. He whines at me over texts about you ignoring him.”  
   
Zayn snorted. “I’m not ignoring him, I’m busy. And I talk to him all the time.”  
   
“You know that’s not what he means, Zayn.” Zayn huffed a little. It was true, Liam wanted more from him, and wasn’t shy about letting him know. Zayn was still resistinh, even though he was no longer sure why.  
   
“I’m not going to rush you on this, but…well, you know how everyone feels about it.” Zayn decided not to comment, and after a minute Louis started talking about something else. When they signed off, Zayn got himself something to eat, and then texted Liam. **Hey**  
   
He didn’t get a response right away, but finally he got a **Hey** , and they talked for a bit. Then Zayn said **Want to come over?**.  
   
**Now?** Zayn giggled-it was late. **No, but soon.** , he sent back.  
   
**Sure** , Liam sent. **Night**.  
   
Then Zayn went to bed and forgot about it until the next day. When he woke up then, there were several more messages from Liam, about his day and the songs he was writing. At the end was **I can c u tonite if u want**. Zayn thought about his day, figured that he could spare the time.  
   
**Okay** , he said, and he got up. He had some stuff to do.  
   
…  
   
Liam came over late that night, with his laptop so he could play Zayn what he was working on. While they listened Zayn made a late night snack for them, chickpeas in curry with rice. Liam nibbled at it while talking about the songs he was finally writing just for him.  
   
“I mean, I adore writing with Lou, don’t get me wrong,” Liam said. “But I think these are good.”  
   
“They sound like it,” Zayn said, and sat next to Liam. Liam immediately leaned in, and Zayn rubbed his back absently. Liam always liked physical reassurance when he was stressed out, that hadn’t changed. Zayn felt a small kiss on his neck, and smiled. “I’m going to get something for dessert,” he said, and got up.  
   
He’d gotten the ice cream out and was leaning over to find a spoon when he felt Liam press up behind him, hands on his hips. He could feel Liam’s cock in his trackies, pressed against his bum. “So you don’t want ice cream?” Zayn said, keeping his voice deadpan.  
   
Liam giggled softly, and kissed the shell of his ear. “No. Is this okay?” Zayn turned to look at Liam, and saw him standing there was a hopeful expression on his face. “Louis said you two had talked about it.”  
   
“That’s true, but we didn’t come to any definite conclusions.” Liam frowned and pulled back, but Zayn stopped him with a hand on the small of Liam’s back. “No, it’s okay. We can mess around if you like, it’s you.”  
   
“It’ll be more than messing about, you know,” Liam said. Zayn knew that, but he still didn’t like putting that into tangible words. But then Liam kissed him, and Zayn kissed back.  He left the ice cream on the counter and walked Liam back to the bedroom.  
   
They stripped, Zayn already familiar with how Liam’s body looked. Or at least he had been, Liam had dropped more fat and gained more muscle since he last saw him. Zayn ran his hand over Liam’s six-pack, and Liam grinned, looking proud.  
   
“Do you like it?” Zayn nodded, since even though he still liked women, he could see that his mate was built. Then Liam started doing the same, touching Zayn’s stomach and chest. Zayn felt a bit exposed, but he made himself relax. “What do you want?”  
   
“Don’t know. Probably not you fucking me, only Louis has done that,” Zayn said. He wasn’t ready to share that yet, even though he wasn’t against it in the future. Liam, to his credit, did not look disappointed. He just came in for another kiss, Zayn pulling him in. They kissed for a few minutes, then Zayn got on the bed. “Come here.”  
   
“Want me to blow you?” Liam said, crawling from the foot of the bed until he was over Zayn. Zayn nodded, and Liam kissed him before heading down. Zayn closed his eyes, just wanting to feel it as Liam fondled his balls as he went down.  
   
“Hey,” Liam said after a few minutes. “Can you watch me?” Zayn opened his eyes to see Liam looking at him from between his legs. “I don’t know, I just get nervous if my partners aren’t watching me. Sorry.” Zayn remembered how insecure Liam could still be, and mentally kicked himself.  
   
“No, it’s okay.” Zayn propped himself up on his elbows. “I just like feeling it sometimes, but I’ll look.” Liam nodded, and then got back to sucking him off. Zayn had to admit, Liam looked fantastic with a cock in his mouth.  
   
It only lasted a few minutes after that, with Zayn coming in Liam’s mouth. “Why didn’t you pull off?” he said, and Liam just looked smug and wiped his mouth.  
   
“I didn’t want to,” he said. Zayn figured he couldn’t argue with that.  
   
Liam spent the night, curled up with Zayn in his bed. When Zayn woke up, he kissed Liam until he woke up. “Hi.”  
   
“Hey,” Liam said. “Um, do you have to be anywhere, I can go…”  
   
Zayn rolled on top of him. “Naw,” he said, and Liam’s face split into a huge grin. “Can I fuck you before you go?”  
   
Liam was quiet a moment. Zayn almost got worried, but then he said “You know, I’ve waited years for you to ask me that.”  
   
“I didn’t know that,” Zayn said, brushing his thumb over Liam’s lip. “I figured you were happy with Harry and Niall.”  
   
“I was. But you were my best friend.” Zayn leaned down to kiss him, then pulled back to look for condoms and lube. “How do you want me?” 

“Facing, I think. I’ll hitch your legs up and do you that way. You good?” Liam nodded, holding his legs up with his hands under his knees. “Fuck, you look amazing.”

“Should have done this with you at Harry’s summer house,” Liam said, and Zayn didn’t answer. Because that would have been fun, but he already had eyes for Louis, even as Lou attached himself to Harry’s side for the entire run of the show. It was only later that things started up between them.

Zayn leaned in to kiss Liam before he started opening him up. Liam moaned and fluttered his eyes and basically was perfect. Liam had always been perfect, so that wasn’t a surprise. When Liam swore he was ready, Zayn got the condom on and positioned himself. 

Liam lifted his legs higher when Zayn pushed in, and Zayn looked at him. Liam looked up at him, eyes huge, and Zayn had to look away. Liam could never hide anything he was feeling, and Zayn wasn’t sure what to do with it all. When he looked back, Liam had closed his eyes. Zayn knew it was for his benefit.

Zayn took it slow, fucking Liam almost methodically. When Liam opened his eyes again, Zayn leaned down to kiss him. Liam put his arms around him, and Zayn had to switch position a bit so Liam could hold him. “You okay?” Zayn asked as he kept moving inside of him.

“I’m great,” Liam said, and Zayn didn’t argue with him one bit. 

After a few more minutes Zayn could feel it start to build, so he said “Get yourself off, it’s okay.” He didn’t know how he knew that Liam liked being told what to do, but he got a gratifying whimper in response. Liam got his hand on his cock and came after a few strokes. Zayn buried his face in Liam’s neck and followed him. 

Afterward, they took a shower together, soaping each other up in silence. When Liam was ready to go, he came back in for a hug, eyes sparkling. Zayn hugged him and kissed his cheek. “Do good today,” he said. 

“I will. I love you Zayn. I’ll see you.” And then he was gone, leaving Zayn alone. 

...

“Do you think he wishes he’d been with me only?” Zayn asked Louis when they Face Timed that night. “He said he wished we’d fucked that first week.”

“He would have been too scared to,” Louis said. “He didn’t even want to make eye contact with any of us, he did the best with you. Of course he wanted you to pull him.” Zayn rolled his eyes. “I’m kind of serious Zayn,” Louis said. “He loved you first.”

“I didn’t know that. I wouldn’t have seen it that way back then.” Zayn was quiet. “You don’t think that this will mess up what he’s got with Harry and Niall?” Louis threw his head back and started laughing. “What?”

“Zayn, they all want to fuck you,” was Louis’s answer. “I thought you’d figured that out by now. You left the group and we still love you. We’re not even mad, we just want you happy.” Zayn more or less believed him, but he still had to doubt a little. He supposed it was in his blood.

“Nobody cared about that two million?” Zayn had that money thrown in his face a couple of times when he made the decision to leave. Not by the boys, but by people who worked for them. “You didn’t care?”

“I never did. Harry pouted but got over it. Niall has all the money he needs. Liam figures he can make more, I’ve never told him that he might be overstating his future earnings.” 

“Yeah, wouldn’t do much good. You know, I never thought any of us would still be there to get that money, you know? Maybe I was projecting.”

“Doesn’t matter, it’s gone now.” Louis looked at his nails. “I miss you, Malik.” 

 

“I miss you,” Zayn said. “I miss little Freddie too, and I only saw him once.”

“He’s a memorable little one” Louis said. “I miss him even just after I’ve given him back. There’s nothing like parenthood.” Zayn nodded, even though he didn’t know really what it was like. “Zayn,” Louis said suddenly. “I was thinking, I don’t want to rush you but...if we got all of us in a room at once, would you be interested?”

Zayn knew that question would come up eventually, but he hadn’t been expecting it right then. “I don’t really know,” he said. “Mostly when I see you, it’s been a long time and I don’t want to share. But I’ve been fine with Niall and Liam. That just leaves Harry.” Zayn thought about it more, and looked up to see Louis staring at him from the screen. “We should have done this when I was still in the band.”

“Yes, but since you were an asshole in denial about loving me, that never happened,” Louis said, pushing his hair out of his face. “And don’t apologize again, it’s okay. I know you’re sorry now. But back to what I said, is that never going to happen?”

“I don’t know,” Zayn said. “I’m glad you and the rest are on hiatus, but I’ve got a lot going on. I’m not touring, though. I’m not ready for another one of those. I wish I was.” 

“How’s your anxiety?” Then they spent the next fifteen minutes talking about that, until Zayn had to go to bed. “Good night, sweet Zayn. I love you. Come see me when you can.” 

“Okay.” Zayn disconnected the connection, went to brush his teeth, and was in bed soon after.

…

Louis had to spend a month talking to him, and then another month trying to make sure everyone’s schedules were clear, but soon enough Zayn found himself knocking on Louis’s door. 

“Hey, come in,” Niall said, at the door shirtless and holding a beer in his hand. “Do you want anything, are just to go up? Louis is upstairs.” 

“I’ll go on up, you coming?” Naill nodded, and then kissed him quickly before racing up the stairs. Zayn shook his head and followed. 

When he got to the bedroom, Louis was in the middle of the bed, being flanked by Liam and Harry. Liam was playing with his hair, and Harry smiled when he noticed Zayn. Louis looked up through his lashes, and all the tension Zayn had in his chest disappeared.

“Hey,” Louis said, holding his hand out. Zayn toed his boots off and got on his hands and knees on the bed, taking Lou’s hand. He thought Louis would pull him in closer, but instead he shook his head and said “Why don’t you get naked? Harry and Liam already are.”

“And Niall’s not far behind,” said Niall from the doorway. Zayn felt outnumbered, but the same way he did when they were all playing stupid games and he would get ganged up on with pillows or water guns. He got off the bed and stripped, facing Louis. He couldn’t help it, Louis still felt like the focus to him. He heard Niall whistle and turned to look at him. 

Niall reached for him at the same time he felt Liam’s hand on his hip. He didn’t need to look to see who it was, he knew Liam’s hands like his own. Maybe he wouldn’t be focused on just Louis after all. 

Zayn felt Harry’s hands next, and they were leading him back to the bed, to Louis. This time Louis pulled him in for a kiss, and Zayn cupped Louis’s jaw, tipping his face up. “Love you,” he said, and Louis giggled. 

“We love you,” Liam said, and Zayn turned to see him on his other side. Zayn nodded, thinking about how Liam used to natter on about destiny and how he could never understand. He figured he understood it better now. 

And then Harry was kissing Louis, as Liam drew him in closer, and Zayn felt at home.

   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
 


End file.
